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By Hannah Jones

Motivational health and wellbeing consultant in dairy layout

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But I think Mr E was expecting some big proclamation like, “Well, actually I’m thinking of knocking myself out with a cricket bat at meal times and sucking cabbage water through a straw as a dinner substitute. ” The thing is, for a compulsive over-eater and underachiever (I meant in exercise terms, Mam) like myself, even a minor change like having breakfast is a massive turnaround. The problem, however, is having the type of mind where all these little changes add up to something significant. In this area, I may have a leak.

That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962 Rita Rudner GUESS WHAT, I’M GOING swimming tonight. Can you imagine what’s going through my mind right now? Not only do I have to content myself with the worry of stripping off in front of others – last week I was recognised in the changing rooms while pulling off my work knickers! – I’m coming out in a nervous rash thinking about walking into the pool area, getting INTO the pool, swimming like a lead weight, men seeing my underwater fat ‘bits’ through their goggles, getting OUT of the water, drying in front of strangers, and getting changed.

In scene two, I say thanks by turning up in the studio wearing just a dab of Sandalwood and a long mac (obviously with a swing to the back, as I don’t do straight up and down or belted, even in dreamland). In scene three, I’m introducing him to Mam and Dad and we’re all amazed at his Dr Doolittle ability in calming down our psycho dogs Max and Bertie to whimpering masses of well-behaved fur. In scene four, he turns up at my house in a Saab convertible and says there’s a present in the garage for me.

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